rite of passage

My dear child Jian,

Today when I got home from dropping you off at childcare, I started bawling my eyes out. I suddenly missed you so much. Last night I noticed another stye was forming and this time right in the corner of my right eye. I feel so annoyed that another stye is forming, I do. Here I am trying to get rid of the one stye that’s been doggedly sitting on my left eye since October 24th, and now. The reason why I tell you this is because I haven’t slept lately, and your Appa thinks it must be due to my immune system being low. This is despite weaning you off breastmilk so I can get more sleep, but thus far, I have lost more sleep than when I was breastfeeding you. It’s been harder. My poor beloved. You were first fine and adjusted so quickly to formula, but then you started teething and then the devastation of neither of us sleeping started. This is now about 12 days ago. To be exact our weaning off journey started on the Sunday 27th of December 2020. The last time I breastfed you was on Monday 28 December when you turned exactly 15 months. It was the most gut-wrenching experience for me. I was devastated. It felt as though the world was trying to seperate me from you. My baby, I thought I would breastfeed you for as long as you wanted. And then someone made a comment saying, ‘well are you planning to breastfeed until she is in her 20’s?’ I didn’t like hearing that, but I still listened to their advice about cutting off breastmilk. In the end I made the choice. So you can learn to sleep at childcare. So you won’t cry at childcare. So you won’t be devastated when you can’t find my breasts. I want to raise you strong, resilient, but you will always have my heart, body and soul.

And so the point I am trying to make is that I am sending you to childcare because Mummy wants to return to work. To make ends meet, yes, but more importantly, so mummy can buy a big, big house for you, with all the amazing amenities we like.

So hang in there my Poppy. You are our everything.

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